I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
