I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
