How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
