I am spending my child support on dildos
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
