i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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