You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Vodka?
Forever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
