i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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