He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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