What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
