my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
