i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
