I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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