she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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