I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
