Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
and she was petting her beer can
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
