we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
