Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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