hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
we have pet lesbian snakes
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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