If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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