Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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