I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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