I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
