Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
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As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
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You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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