The best revenge is premature balding
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
