After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
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He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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