I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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