I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
