nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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