The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
