Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
