Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
