Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
