I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
