Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
