I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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