So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
