So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Naked Twister starts at high noon
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
