If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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