Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
