No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
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