STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
