the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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