so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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