I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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