so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
