I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
