his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
