I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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