apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
