you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
