This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
