Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
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it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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