There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
