I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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