so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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