Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
