Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
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I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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