dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
