I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
